I'm a pretty frequent television watcher, it'd probably be better for my wallet to switch to streaming but there's something about the simple pleasure of flipping mindlessly through channels sipping vodka on the couch after an exceptionally irritating day at work that just keeps me reeled in. I don't really have any favorite shows, I barely stay long enough on each channel to understand the plot of whatever's playing. I never catch any titles either — just flipping through. I find myself a bit too intelligent to actually find any entertainment in anything on the catalog, even the research and science-based programs are slightly too generalist for me. I'm only here to watch the channels fly by, an admittedly primitive hobby compared to my intellect but I'm not a nihilist so finding pleasure in the little things comes easy to me.
A month ago, however, I found a show that actually caught my eye. The Life of Milan Beauvoir, who is apparently some model or actress, this being her "reality" tv show. Usually I pass right by stuff like this, I'm not one to care about celebrity private lives and I've watched probably only a little over five minutes of any reality tv show in my entire life but for some reason that I cannot name — this show was very entertaining. I don't even think anything's different about it, just the same overdramatized and highly scripted reels of some undeservedly glorified celebrity's life that you'd find in any other reality tv show. Still, I was sucked in. I could barely tell you anything that happened, I was simply mesmerized — distracted by this aching feeling in my chest. Milan Beauvoir, I wanted to be her.
I watched her everyday afterwards with ever-increasing interest, paying close attention to her mannerisms. At first it was more obvious things like the way she dressed, the way she did her makeup, etc. As I kept watching for hours on end, however, it soon escalated to taking note of the things she ate, the way she ate, her tone and intonation, the vocabulary she uses, how she sounds when she's tired, angry, sad, how she interacts with her friends and family, I was curating a full-blown character analysis. I admit, I did end up going into grossly intimate detail on Ms. Beauvoir's life, I began doing my own research on the internet and found her alleged sextape. Yes, I went as far as to analyze how she has sex.
I can't tell you why this celebrity has intrigued me tirelessly for the past month and a half but I fear it's taken my soul away. It soon went from simply observing to emulating. I found myself talking like her and using her hand gestures first then I adopted her diet, morning routine, hobbies and interests. My friends and family quickly noticed the sudden change in overall personality, at first they joked about it, then they simply got confused and curious. This confusion was short-lived and as time went on and I began perfectly mimicking Milan in every facet but physical, my loved ones became annoyed, estranged, I'm isolated.
Few weeks went by and I noticed my face changing more and more everyday, I began looking like Beauvoir without even trying! At this point I've completely lost sight of myself, it's as if I'm watching someone else live my life for me, or more like — try to live their life inside of my own. I have lucid moments where I can find my own thoughts again, hence how I'm writing this right now but these moments are getting shorter and shorter everyday. Today, I look like a complete Milan Beauvoir clone right down to the tooth. I have no idea how any of this happened in such a short amount of time. I can't even remember why I'm writing this here, I guess I would just like to know if anyone else has experienced this or knows someone who has and what I can do about it. I feel as though I am dying.
>1st part
